Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Ten Guys Who Owe Me Money

In honor of Coach Parcells' decision to leave Drew Henson off his roster this season, I would like to submit the first edition of Ten Guys Who Owe Me Money. They owe me (and everyone else for that matter) money because they have been stealing from society for years. This should be a fun one, so hopefully everyone will contribute with an entry. Here goes.

10. Danny Sells. Danny is actually on this list for legitimate reasons because he actually does owe me money. Before the 2004 Preakness Stakes, I took Smarty Jones and he took the field. It is one thing to not give a friend odds on a crazy bet like that, but to not pay up is just flat out wrong. Danny owes me $10.

9. Drew Henson. In fairness to Drew, he was a great high school athlete and a borderline pro athlete in two sports, which is very impressive. But how many "good high school athletes" do you know that get paid 5 million dollars for their services?!?!?! Drew never played a single inning of Major League baseball, and he took only a few ineffective snaps as an NFL quarterback. Drew will never have to work again, and it's all because he dominated high school baseball fields, and pretended to be good in a solid college football system at Michigan.

8. Jim Boeheim. He's one of the winningest college coaches in history, so at first glance, one might wonder how he is on this list. However, when you examine all the facts, it is easy to see that he owes society some cash. Jim is employed and handsomely reimbursed as a "college basketball coach". First of all, Jim coaches a high school defense. The 2-3 zone can be an effective defense at the college level if it is mixed in with other defenses...once in a great while. It CANNOT be the ONLY defense that a college team plays! And unlike other good coaches, Boeheim never knows when to switch things up. I am not even sure if he knows what "man-to-man" means. Second, his wife is pretty attractive and about 50 years younger than him. Third, he was chosen as one of the coaches for our country's national basketball team! Why? Because he is fortunate enough to coach at a school with no semblance of rules, thereby enticing Carmelo Anthony to attend this school and dominate the entire country. If 'Melo never takes his one year vacation at the 'Cuse, Boeheim would still be a much maligned, poor game manager who could never win the big game.

7. Pro Golfers not named "Tiger Woods". In 1993, the PGA Champion made $300,000. This year, the PGA Champion made $1.2 million. You know why? Because Earl Woods put a golf club in Tiger's hands! Tiger made the game of golf. Not Jack Nicklaus. When Jack played, no one watched! You know why? Because golf was boring! The first golf tournament I ever watched on TV was the 1997 Masters, and I haven't stopped watching since. Every pro golfer today should give half of his paycheck to Tiger. His charisma changed the game and is the only reason that guys like John Daly make obscene amounts of money today. The rest of those clowns are just stealing.

6. Jim "Bones" McKay. While we are on the subject, Phil Mickelson should purchase himself a pull cart. If his caddy is not going to help him make any important decisions, or even occassionally take matters into his own hands (as Dave Mandel suggested, breaking Phil's driver over his knee on the 72nd hole of the U.S. Open), then there is no use for him. Jim McKay is responsible for Mickelson making a 6 on the 72nd hole at Winged Foot. Hey Jim, I will accept cash, check, or money order.

5. Bob the Bachelor. Any reality TV star could be put on this list, but Bob sticks out in my mind. Why? Well, after stealing the hearts of American females, we all found out that Bob was a liar and a cheater. What a huge surprise! Another celebrity that was found to be monogamously challenged. What is the world coming to? There was nothing unique or special about Bob. Bob was characterized as the jolly, funny guy trying to win Trista's heart. And oh, how America's women felt sorry for Bob when he failed. I have a great idea! Let's make him the Bachelor! Well, that turned out to be a barrel of laughs, and in the end, Bob left his chosen bride-to-be and went on enjoying his stardom and single life. I am fat and jolly! Why doesn't society give me money for doing nothing?

4. Dave Navarro. This explanation could be a lenthy one, so let's just stick to these two facts: He has been married to Carmen Electra and he is now dating Jenna Jameson. I would expect this from Derek Jeter or Tom Brady. I would not expect this from someone who possesses a small amount of musical talent, and lacks physical attractiveness. Hey Dave, the next time you see Danny Sells, ask him how Smarty Jones is doing.

3. Nick Lachey. Honestly, where do we begin? The guy was the leader of a below average boy band. He married Jessica Simpson. He continues to get paid because other women, who also crave his body, feel bad for him that Jessica ended things! And he is writing songs about all of this! And women love them! What is wrong with our country? My willingness to live is dwindling.

2. Drew Lachey. We can't pick on Nick without mentioning his brother. On a scale of 1 to 10, Nick's musical abilities rate somewhere between 2 and 5. Drew's don't even hit the map. Everyday, I go to work and bust my hump, while Drew Lachey counts money in his living room. And it's all because his brother did a lot of push-ups and sit-ups, frosted the tips of his hair, and got a barb-wire tattoo. This just doesn't seem fair to me.

1. Kevin Federline. In the history of mankind, no one has done more with less. I think we can all admit that Britney Spears might not quite be the wonderful prize that we thought she was, but she's still pretty hot (no guy can honestly say that they didn't find Britney attractive before 2005). Kevin started out as a backup dancer who caught Britney's eye, and now he is releasing terrible rap lyrics that this generation's teenie boppers are gobbling up at alarming rates. Once again, if our society deems it appropriate that Derek Jeter and Tom Brady should earn millions of dollars and date gorgeous women, I have no problem with it. They are talented, attractive men. K-Fed is neither, and he is starting to annoy me. Did anyone see his performance at the MTV Teen Choice Awards? That was atrocious. I am embarassed for him, Britney, and their children. Kevin owes $1 to everyone in the U.S., just for putting up with his nonsense.