Monday, August 27, 2007

Baseball Re-Draft

What if...after the 2007 baseball season, every Major League team was forced to release all of its players and start anew. All players (well, everyone in the world, for that matter) would be placed into a draft pool, and teams would draft a new squad to lead their city and their franchise to World Series glory. This will never happen, of course, but what if it did? I think the first round might go a little something like this.
Teams in semi-random order.

Pick. Team - Player (Age at start of 2008 season)
1. Devil Rays - Albert Pujols (28)
2. Royals - Alex Rodriguez (32)
3. Pirates - Hanley Ramirez (24)
4. Giants - David Wright (25)
5. Brewers - Grady Sizemore (25)
6. Reds - Jose Reyes (24)
7. Orioles - Chase Utley (29)
8. Nationals - Miguel Cabrera (24)
9. Rangers - Johan Santana (29)
10. Blue Jays - Ryan Howard (28)
11. Padres - Ryan Braun (24)
12. Mariners - Vladimir Guerrero (32)
13. Rockies - Matt Holliday (28)
14. Astros - Jake Peavy (26)
15. Phillies - Mark Teixeira (27)
16. A's - Jimmy Rollins (29)
17. Twins - Carlos Beltran (30)
18. White Sox - Brandon Webb (28)
19. Tigers - Russell Martin (24)
20. Indians - Victor Martinez (29)
21. Marlins - Carl Crawford (26)
22. Diamondbacks - Adam Dunn (28)
23. Dodgers - Prince Fielder (23)
24. Braves - Alex Gordon (24)
25. Mets - Justin Upton (20)
26. Cardinals - Felix Hernandez (21)
27. Cubs - Dan Haren (27)
28. Angels - Tim Lincecum (23)
29. Red Sox - David Ortiz (32)
30. Yankees - Troy Tulowitzki (23)

Thursday, March 01, 2007

March MADNESS

The Favorites - 85% chance one of these teams will win the tournament.
Florida - The defending champs and most talented team in the country.
Ohio State - Oden will open things up for the other frosh to step up.
UCLA - Perhaps better than last year's team.
Georgetown - This year's version of Florida?
Kansas - Talented and deep, lacking a true go-to guy?
North Carolina - Like Kansas, but even younger.
Texas - See Carmelo Anthony and Syracuse, 2003.

Primary Sleepers - 10% chance one of these teams will win the tournament.
Duke - Not nearly as bad as people think they are.
Arizona - Not nearly as bad as their record indicates, but they lack depth.

Secondary Sleepers - 2.5% chance one of these teams will win the tournament
Louisville - The most underrated freshman class in the nation.
Villanova - If Scottie Reynolds continues going off, they could scare some people.
Syracuse - Enough talent to beat anyone on any given night.

Everyone Else - Wisconsin or Texas A&M or someone else might make the Final 4, but I'm not sure they have what it takes to win the whole thing.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Chicago Bulls Nicknames

Kirk Hinrich aka "White Shadow" - Much like your shadow, the best white perimiter defender since John Stockton, never leaves your side on defense.

Ben Gordon aka "Ice Cold" - Constantly redefining the term "ice water in his veins."

Luol Deng aka "Silky" - His smooth game is constantly improving.

Andres Nocioni aka "Loco" - His game and his hairstyle can often go out of control.

Ben Wallace aka "Cochrane" - Like Johnnie Cochrane before him, the best defense money can buy.

Chris Duhon aka "Clean-Cut" - A throwback to 1950's style ball, he does all the little things.

Michael Sweetney aka "Secret Weapon" - Just when you think the Bulls lack an inside offensive presence, his 300+ pound ass makes an appearance.

Adrian Griffin aka "9-to-5" - This veteran is just out there trying to do his damn job.

Thabo Sefolosha aka "Pterodactyl" - The lankiest player to enter the NBA since Scottie Pippen.

Tyrus Thomas aka "Tyrannosaurus"- The kid's gonna be a monster very soon.

Viktor Khryapa aka "KGB" - You might not know about him yet, but trust me, you don't want to get him mad.

Malik Allen aka "Cotton Candy" - He plays a little soft for a big guy, but he serves his purpose when called upon.

PJ Brown aka "Gramps" - Old and sometimes cranky, his biggest strenght is that you know he'll soon be gone.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Fire Bill Simmons

Bill Simmons ship has sailed, my friends. It's over. That's why I'm asking ESPN to finally stick the proverbial fork in him...please. He's done.
Over the past 5-6 years, Mr. Simmons, the self-proclaimed Sports Guy, has evolved from a relatively decent, moderately creative writer into nothing more than an egomaniac Sports Clown, who seems to sincerely believe that he is the one person in the world who has all the answers to all of life's questions.
Hearing over and over again about how horrible Peyton Manning and Alex Rodriguez are, and how great anything related to the city of Boston is has finally been completely played out, and has lead me to the point where I feel compelled to ask ESPN to put us all out of our collective misery and stop subjecting us to the "Sports Guy" and his no-longer-suitable-for-human-life world.

Monday, September 11, 2006

"Feeding the Nation" by Danny Sells

There are three teams in the Major League Baseball who control the ebb and flow of the baseball season and as the post season approaches I feel the need to voice my concern with the current state of our national pastime. This is my call to action for the media outlets and the sports writers of America to turn the tide in their markets and strive to return the attention of local fans back to regional teams. Regional teams are the lifeblood of this sport and if ESPN continues to perpetuate stereotypes and only cater to the popular teams, baseball will eventually fail.

I do not use that term lightly. Everyday I wake up to see less and less local Denver merchandise in the memorabilia shops. I stop in a Denver sporting goods store and am unsure if I will be able to find a Rockies Jersey or "Twin Enterprises Franchise" hat on the shelves.

The Boston Red Sox, Chicago Cubs, and New York Yankees are ruining baseball and causing the next generation of fans ( the kids) to turn away from their hometown teams and root for the common teams who represent "The Nation". Whether it is the homeless guy on the street with a 'C' on his hat, the east coast transplant at Minute Maid Park wearing his BoSox hat, or the Chinese guy at the store with a Jeter jersey, all these fans are contributing to the sickness. Having been a Rockies fan since '93, I have long hoped for the day when my illustrious Rox will once again return to the MLB playoffs. Although I don't think it will be this year, the team is finally playing meaningful games in late-August.

Last Wednesday night, a young vixen and I watched the Rockies play the Cubs at Coors Field under a lovely sunset. At gametime Colorado sat 3 back in the NL Wild Card Race while the Cubs were 14 games off the pace in the NL Central. We grabbed a beer, walked to our seats, and watched the first pitch leave BK Kim's hand (side note: good work Boston on that contract). Late in the 3nd inning Mr. Ramirez decided to take Kim deep, trying the ball game at two. When that homerun was hit, I hadn't heard such a roar since Dave Mandel hit the final cup to send it to the 16th game at 3:26 AM on 2/14/2004. I wasn't upset about the homerun, I was pissed by the abundance of Cubs fans and their obnoxious rooting for a sub-.500 team in a meaningless game for them. I was also pissed because Cubs fans outnumbered Rockies fans 2 to 1. I begin to question my existence as a sport fan and wondered if I had missed a private strip tease or a free chessesteak giveaway.

Never in any sport, at any level, in a meaningful game, should the home team have less fan support than the visiting club. I was first consumed by shame, as I realized my home park, had fallen victim to this travesty, but then was overcome by anger towards our national sports culture.

ESPN welds too much power as they decide what teams are popular and what teams will remain in obscurity. The program directors directly influence where the next generation of fans loyalties will lye. This thought process does not grow the game and causes local markets to continually struggle. We need to get the local fan to love their home team, not turn to national spotlight for their baseball. They need to learn the local players, learn their personalities and influence the local media to cover them exclusively. The kids need to know Albert Pujols and A-Rod, but they should be wearing Bill Hall replica jerseys to each Brewers game or Josh Barfield t-shirts at Petco. This form of loyalty will only breed success for each organization and the economic problems facing the league will slowly fade. Fans interest in geographic markets will become more balanced and national broadcasts will show more games to a larger audience.

Give up the Soxcenter and start caring about the local club on FSN.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Ten Guys Who Owe Me Money

In honor of Coach Parcells' decision to leave Drew Henson off his roster this season, I would like to submit the first edition of Ten Guys Who Owe Me Money. They owe me (and everyone else for that matter) money because they have been stealing from society for years. This should be a fun one, so hopefully everyone will contribute with an entry. Here goes.

10. Danny Sells. Danny is actually on this list for legitimate reasons because he actually does owe me money. Before the 2004 Preakness Stakes, I took Smarty Jones and he took the field. It is one thing to not give a friend odds on a crazy bet like that, but to not pay up is just flat out wrong. Danny owes me $10.

9. Drew Henson. In fairness to Drew, he was a great high school athlete and a borderline pro athlete in two sports, which is very impressive. But how many "good high school athletes" do you know that get paid 5 million dollars for their services?!?!?! Drew never played a single inning of Major League baseball, and he took only a few ineffective snaps as an NFL quarterback. Drew will never have to work again, and it's all because he dominated high school baseball fields, and pretended to be good in a solid college football system at Michigan.

8. Jim Boeheim. He's one of the winningest college coaches in history, so at first glance, one might wonder how he is on this list. However, when you examine all the facts, it is easy to see that he owes society some cash. Jim is employed and handsomely reimbursed as a "college basketball coach". First of all, Jim coaches a high school defense. The 2-3 zone can be an effective defense at the college level if it is mixed in with other defenses...once in a great while. It CANNOT be the ONLY defense that a college team plays! And unlike other good coaches, Boeheim never knows when to switch things up. I am not even sure if he knows what "man-to-man" means. Second, his wife is pretty attractive and about 50 years younger than him. Third, he was chosen as one of the coaches for our country's national basketball team! Why? Because he is fortunate enough to coach at a school with no semblance of rules, thereby enticing Carmelo Anthony to attend this school and dominate the entire country. If 'Melo never takes his one year vacation at the 'Cuse, Boeheim would still be a much maligned, poor game manager who could never win the big game.

7. Pro Golfers not named "Tiger Woods". In 1993, the PGA Champion made $300,000. This year, the PGA Champion made $1.2 million. You know why? Because Earl Woods put a golf club in Tiger's hands! Tiger made the game of golf. Not Jack Nicklaus. When Jack played, no one watched! You know why? Because golf was boring! The first golf tournament I ever watched on TV was the 1997 Masters, and I haven't stopped watching since. Every pro golfer today should give half of his paycheck to Tiger. His charisma changed the game and is the only reason that guys like John Daly make obscene amounts of money today. The rest of those clowns are just stealing.

6. Jim "Bones" McKay. While we are on the subject, Phil Mickelson should purchase himself a pull cart. If his caddy is not going to help him make any important decisions, or even occassionally take matters into his own hands (as Dave Mandel suggested, breaking Phil's driver over his knee on the 72nd hole of the U.S. Open), then there is no use for him. Jim McKay is responsible for Mickelson making a 6 on the 72nd hole at Winged Foot. Hey Jim, I will accept cash, check, or money order.

5. Bob the Bachelor. Any reality TV star could be put on this list, but Bob sticks out in my mind. Why? Well, after stealing the hearts of American females, we all found out that Bob was a liar and a cheater. What a huge surprise! Another celebrity that was found to be monogamously challenged. What is the world coming to? There was nothing unique or special about Bob. Bob was characterized as the jolly, funny guy trying to win Trista's heart. And oh, how America's women felt sorry for Bob when he failed. I have a great idea! Let's make him the Bachelor! Well, that turned out to be a barrel of laughs, and in the end, Bob left his chosen bride-to-be and went on enjoying his stardom and single life. I am fat and jolly! Why doesn't society give me money for doing nothing?

4. Dave Navarro. This explanation could be a lenthy one, so let's just stick to these two facts: He has been married to Carmen Electra and he is now dating Jenna Jameson. I would expect this from Derek Jeter or Tom Brady. I would not expect this from someone who possesses a small amount of musical talent, and lacks physical attractiveness. Hey Dave, the next time you see Danny Sells, ask him how Smarty Jones is doing.

3. Nick Lachey. Honestly, where do we begin? The guy was the leader of a below average boy band. He married Jessica Simpson. He continues to get paid because other women, who also crave his body, feel bad for him that Jessica ended things! And he is writing songs about all of this! And women love them! What is wrong with our country? My willingness to live is dwindling.

2. Drew Lachey. We can't pick on Nick without mentioning his brother. On a scale of 1 to 10, Nick's musical abilities rate somewhere between 2 and 5. Drew's don't even hit the map. Everyday, I go to work and bust my hump, while Drew Lachey counts money in his living room. And it's all because his brother did a lot of push-ups and sit-ups, frosted the tips of his hair, and got a barb-wire tattoo. This just doesn't seem fair to me.

1. Kevin Federline. In the history of mankind, no one has done more with less. I think we can all admit that Britney Spears might not quite be the wonderful prize that we thought she was, but she's still pretty hot (no guy can honestly say that they didn't find Britney attractive before 2005). Kevin started out as a backup dancer who caught Britney's eye, and now he is releasing terrible rap lyrics that this generation's teenie boppers are gobbling up at alarming rates. Once again, if our society deems it appropriate that Derek Jeter and Tom Brady should earn millions of dollars and date gorgeous women, I have no problem with it. They are talented, attractive men. K-Fed is neither, and he is starting to annoy me. Did anyone see his performance at the MTV Teen Choice Awards? That was atrocious. I am embarassed for him, Britney, and their children. Kevin owes $1 to everyone in the U.S., just for putting up with his nonsense.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Reasons Dave is Glad He is Alive

First Reported by Dave Mandel


"STILLWATER
, Okla.
- The final totals on the scoreboard Saturday afternoon at Boone Pickens Stadium during Oklahoma State’s annual Orange-White game showed the White team on top of the Orange squad by a 44-38 margin.

"The White squad was spotted 14 points before the game started and 24 more at the beginning of the second half. The points were added to offset the fact the majority of the starters competed for the Orange squad and to keep the game competitive for the fans. Without the added points, the Orange outscored its teammates by a 38-6 margin as the Cowboys concluded spring football drills."

I mean, if you are honestly attending an intrasquad scrimmage hoping for a serious nailbiter, such that added points makes the game more enjoyable, you really need to question a) your purpose for attending the spring game in the first place and b) what you’re doing with your life.